Ultraviolet review by The Grim Ringler

Forgive me father for I have sinned. Though whether the sin is that I walked out of a movie or even paid to see suck dreck as this is up for debate.

Yes friends, I walked out of the film. Now, I am a hearty soul, so before you start throwing your fuzzy dice and bullet-times at me, let me tell you – I sat through The Carrier and I bravely stared Dreamcatcher in its devilish eyes and stood strong. With UV I had reached my limit. Even at five bucks this was too much to pay. So, take this review with a pound of salt as I saw officially thirty minutes of an 88-minute movie.

Taking the styles of both Blade and The Matrix, mixing it with video-game sensibility, and throwing in a beautiful young actress you will end up with…a damned mess. The story, as much as we could gather, had something to do with a blood poison that transformed the infected into ‘inhumans’ or some such thing. Basically, from what we could tell, vampires. Which, if you are going to make a vampire movie, why act like you’re above the genre? Why not say what it is and get that crowd? They managed to take all the worse elements of a video game – style over substance, illogical weapons and deus ex machinas, and porn moments where the film stops to gaze at something ‘beautiful’ – and the most clichéd moments of Blade and Matrix and they thought that was good enough. Using some manner of blur-face technology to make the film look even more game-like (which shows you where games are now, that movies WANT to look like them, something good AND bad I suppose), the filmmakers fetishize Ms. Jovavich to the point of ridiculousness. Hell, they didn’t even give her a good damned catch phrase – watch me – is not a slam, it’s a Wha? The hell of this is that everyone was trying so hard to make this look cool (and admittedly, it has great costumes and set designs) that no one thought to pay attention to the story or dialogue.

No, I didn’t see all of this. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t. My friend and I agreed to leave at a certain time and those minutes before we were to leave dragged on and on and on. If someone saw this, and they loved this, then good for you. You saw something I certainly couldn’t. God knows my taste is suspect but, truly, this is a movie that you rent for a dollar and still feel you paid too much for. If you like Milla, or movies that are all style, then please, please, please rent this. Rent one get one free preferably.

I need to wash my mouth out now. I can still taste this crap.


3 out of 10 Jackasses
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