King Kong review by Right of Center

I've been reading all these reviews and I need to set the record straight... King Kong BLOWS!!! What is it about us when a blockbuster comes out we just have to say its great? Ebert and that other guy gave it "Two thumbs way up"... yea maybe up my ass. For months I couldn't wait to see King Kong, I had seen the original and the 1976 version with Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange, which I thought was awesome at the time. I knew that with Peter Jackson this Kong was gonna be outstanding, well I was way wrong. I wanted to find something good but I was very disappointed and NO my expectations weren't that high.

I had the day off so I caught a matinee at the Emagine Theater in Novi, Michigan. King Kong begins in the depression era of old New York, the scenery was great with the old cars and the jammed streets with people everywhere. Jackson does a great job showing the majesty of the city from afar then moving in to see the human filth that infests the streets. We are introduced to our blonde babe Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts), a vaudeville performer who hits hard times. The audiences are thin and eventually her theater is closed and she is out of a job. At this point she is in desperate need for work and considers doing Burlesque but decides not to, she resorts to stealing food due to lack of money when she meets Carl Denham (Jack Black) who offers her an acting job; and get ready for retarded moment number 1 in the flick: she turns down the job!!! I mean Jesus Christ she is one step from becoming a hooker. Well that didn't make any sense to me. Anyways no big deal he talks her into it and they set sail for the Far East.

So we are sailing along when Carl bribes the captain to head for a specific location from some crazy map that we have no idea where he got it; I would think in a 3 hour movie you would learn that little detail but whatever. Nearing the island we get to that scene that we see in movies of this nature. You know the scene where everyone is relaxed and comfortable with the crew sitting somewhere after dinner, the lights are dim and the one guy tells a tail that grips us and gets the audience ready for what the characters will be dealing with. Like the scene in Jaws when Quint tells his tale of the USS Indianapolis that delivered the A-Bomb, was sunk and sharks ate the half the men. Well that scene completely failed in this movie, one bonehead tells about some guy they picked up from the ocean waters who says he saw a big wall on a foggy Island then he killed himself, ummm ok, not scary!

So they get there but the captain decides 'Screw this we are outa here', because the place looks creepy as all getout, which was pretty cool. Jackson did a great job on the look of the place. But Carl decides to take the camera crew and get on the island. They get there and are on the inside of the wall, which looks pretty vacant, until the natives all jump out to try to kill them BUT in the nick of time the boat captain shows up with a small army of men all packin tommy guns. Now all this is fine but there are probably 10 nick-of-time moments in the movie and it gets to the point where you aren't even afraid for them because they are invincible. I was hugely disappointed in the natives, they looked more like zombies. There was no ceremony when they sacrificed Ann to their god Kong or really any interesting thing about them, oh well.

In any movie in the science fiction genre we, the audience, are asked to accept something and swallow it, whether it's aliens or time travel we accept it. I accept that there is an island where giant monsters roam about but I don't accept that a bunch of people can run in between several dinosaurs without getting killed or that some kid can shoot bugs off someone with his eyes closed or that people can fall a great distance and not break a bone, I mean come the fuck on already. Its just plain stupid after awhile, I could go on and on. Kong takes on 3 T-Rexs and yet he is pinned down by like 8 guys when they capture him. In every aspect the 1976 version was much more credible. Don't the actors ever stop these madmen writers or directors and say, 'Um I'm supposed to do what? But that doesn't make any sense you Fuckin idiot!!!'.

Anyways great cinematography but horribly written, Kong gets a 3.

3 out of 10 Jackasses
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