The Musketeer review by Jackass Jon

Story Summary

Unfortunately this is yet another remake of what I used to think was a great story. I mean come on, who out there wouldn't want to be D'Artagnan (Justin Chambers)? And of course a great Musketeer! Imagine it, you would be the terror of all who are unjust. Women would throw themselves at your feet! Peasants would chant your name with every victory. Ah yes, wine, women and song... This however has all come to a screeching halt with the latest release of "The Musketeer". Once again D'Artagnan, Aramis (Nick Moran), Porthos (Steven Spiers) and the remainder of the Musketeer ranks fight to save the king from the dreaded Cardinal Richelieu (Stephen Rea) and his fiendish plot to rule the... Well you should know how the story goes by now...

DVD features

I honestly don't know what features this DVD has due to the shear panic I was in once the movie was over. I couldn't return this rental fast enough to even notice if it had scratches on it from any previous rentals (which I doubt very much). I'm sure if you brave the movie and take a look for yourself, you'll find something that is just as worthless as the movie itself. Actually, maybe I should take that back. Whoever assembled the Disc probably needs their day job so they did the best they could with a limited amount of material. So I'd say you have a 50/50 chance of finding something at least as good or bad as the movie...


This is a very tough movie to analyze. I don't want to bash the living hell out of it but once you suffer through it, you wouldn't wish this on your worst movie going friend. Right from the opening scenes when the Cardinals right hand man, Febre (Tim Roth) kills D'Artagnan's mother and father you know something is just not right. Almost immediately the movie begins to turn your stomach. Once D'Artagnan has grown into his manhood (which we don't see) he starts back to the world he only knew as a young boy to avenge his parents death, blah blah blah. Of course along the way he manages to pick a fight with some drunk guards and gives them a truly pitiful ass whipping that you could only imagine if you were watching the "Matrix". The stunts are cued perfectly but unfortunately these antics have nothing to do with the story and they don't do anything in the way of introducing D'Artagnan's character to the real ranks of the Musketeers or the rest of the movie for that matter. That just gets slipped in afterwards presumably because every movie going fan already knows how the story goes... And lets not forget about the cute little blonde love attraction who of course is so cute that in reality she would have been soiled by every dirty S.O.B. that passed her by etc etc. And if you haven't guessed by now, there are more fantastical fight scenes that are just so amazing it caused me to burst out in such an uncontrollable fit of laughter my wife had to hit me several times so I could regain enough self control to watch the remainder of the movie through tear filled eyes... Which quickly (fast forward) brings us to the end of the movie and the climactic duel between the good guys and the bad guys. Oh ya, this fight scene you really have to see to believe. I won't spoil it for you but you would never dream a fight like this could happen on ladders! Forget gravity, this is a movie! Anything is possible .

Final Thoughts

This was a truly horrific movie or film or whatever you want to call it. I really did expect more and because I'm also a Tim Roth fan seeing acting this bad was just that much more of a huge let down. Even the scenes with the Cardinal (Stephen Rea) left a coppery taste in my mouth (pun intended). I kept thinking that he would open his fang filled maw right before he lunged out at somebody (aka Interview with the Vampire). My review of this movie is pretty horrible but if the movie really had any merit of it's own I would have taken the time to write something that was at least as good. I think the only really good thing that came out of it was the fact that I went out and bought a copy of the 1993 Walt Disney DVD "The Three Musketeers" with Charlie Sheen, Chris O'Donnell, Kiefer Sutherland, Oliver Platt and of course the great Tim Curry.

1 out of 10 Jackasses
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