Peaceful Warrior review by Rosie
Peaceful WarriorFor any of you still alive who have been following the Jackass Critics Tournament of Sports Movie Champions, you’ve probably noticed that it’s taken a little bit longer to complete than initial projections first estimated. Whether it’s the fact that the Earth’s tectonic plates have shifted several feet since the time it began, or that what used to be that life-giving, yellow ball of warmth in the sky has since become an encroaching red giant of death for us all, the fact is that it’s become harder and harder to deny that we didn’t quite meet our original deadline. But rather than dwell on the negatives, I like to think of this as a learning experience. So what exactly can we take away from this interminable experience?
Well, first of all, that Rudy got jobbed. Secondly, that perhaps our goals were a little too grandiose for the practicalities of this sort of endeavor. Maybe whittling 64 movies down to one, in an open-discussion forum, was just plain unrealistic to do in one month. But the good news is that March Madness is not the only game in town. In the future, maybe all we need to do is find a different event to play off of, one more suitable to what we are capable of doing. In fact, allow me to take this opportunity to suggest that next time we try the Jackass Critics Olympics of Movie Champions.
I’ve done the calculations and, at our current rate of speed, trying to pare a list of contenders down to just the top three in a window of four years looks like it would be a much more realistic goal. And just think of all the international traffic we could draw! So, in keeping with this idea, I decided to kick things off with a movie about an Olympic sport that didn’t quite make the March Madness cut, but should be a strong candidate to qualify for the 2012 Jackass Critics Olympics of Movie Champions - Men’s Gymnastics Movies medal round: Peaceful Warrior
(Assuming, of course, that the Jackass Critics Olympic medal round scoring system will include a shit medal for last place.)
Worst. Movie. Ever.
I can’t even begin to describe everything that I didn’t like about this malignant video store tumor. It feels like it took a giant crap in my brain that I can’t wash out. The story is purportedly about writer Dan Millman’s own coming of age and understanding in college through the wise tutelage of a Zen-master gas station attendant nicknamed Socrates. What actually comes across is a masturbatory bit of revisionist history about Millman’s youth that would make Kim Jong Il blush.
Much of the story follows Millman’s career as a college gymnast. Apparently, at Bullshit University, the men’s gymnastics team was the coolest, toughest, rowdiest bunch of beer-chugging, womanizing bad boys on campus. But tragedy strikes, when our hero breaks his leg speeding on his motorcycle (which cool guys like him are always doing). But with a little help from Socrates, Millman learns to train his mind to triumph over his body and pull himself up again to get back on those rings. Yay.
There was not a single scene in this movie that was not overflowing with false emotion. Every single thing that this jackass (Millman, played by Scott Mechlowicz) had to say was just oozing with false melodrama, almost to the point of satire. Though this annoying overacting did produce my new favorite moment of unintentional comedy in a movie ever, when the testosterone starts pumping at somersault practice and one of Millman’s (remember his name here) equally absurdly macho teammates gets right up in his grill over the pommelhorse and blasts him with:
“Oh what, you don’t want it? Except you suck at the pommelhorse…Mailman.”
Awwwwwwwwwwwww, shiiiit! You just got served, Mailman. Yo, you gonna take that?
Awesome. I’m pretty sure that might be the greatest movie quote ever, but I am one-hundred percent positive that I will never, ever get tired of blasting people with that one, even if no one ever knows what I’m talking about. I’m even making a mental note right now to make those my final words someday, if I have the chance. Other than that, this movie has no redeeming qualities and too many terrible ones to name.
There is just one more specific thing I need to get off my chest about it though. Millman’s specialty on the team is as a ring-swinger, or whatever you call gymnasts who spin around on those rings that hang from the ceiling. This is crucial to the story, as bad-ass Millman is always driving his coach crazy trying to pull off crazy-insane new daredevil ring tricks. "Dammit, Millman! You could have been killed up there! When are you gonna learn this isn’t just a game??"
(Allow me to just pause here for a moment, as it occurs to me that some of you might think I’m being a little sarcastic there to try to “punch things up” a bit – perhaps even using the teensiest, weensiest bit of what you might call that exaggerated humor to try to get my point across. Please, be my guest …
Yes, that just happened.)
But back to my point. The fact that he is a super rebel ring-swinger is even more important to the film, because the climactic scene of this whole clusterfork comes when, after months of brow-furrowingly grueling rehab and overcoming spirit-testing setbacks, Millman pulls himself triumphantly up onto the rings again for the first time after his accident and is finally able to pull himself up into a triumphant iron cross (outside, shirtless - in the rain, of course). And perhaps the one thing that drove me crazier about this movie than anything else – the one thing that was never even remotely acknowledged – was that no matter how difficult an iron cross may be to do, and I’m sure it is right up there among the very hardest things to do in all of “ “ “ “ “ “ “ “ “ “sports” ” ” ” ” ” ” ” ” ” (can I put that in enough quotes?), it may also be the one action in all of sports where YOU DON’T NEED YOUR LEGS. Maybe you would to flip around and stuff, but not just to pull yourself up and hang there! Why did we just watch a forty minute montage of you rehabbing your leg for that? You could have had both of your legs amputated and still done that! I can’t even think about this anymore, I’m getting too angry again.
Dan Millman, if you’re reading this, do me a favor. First, center this image on your screen:
And now just never stop bashing your face into it.
Or at least, just don’t make a movie again.
I know you’ll want to, except you suck at making movies…Mailman.
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