The Departed review by Rosie

Author’s Note: The following is the original installment of the series Movie Reviews of Movies For Grown Ups But That Are Written For Kids And That Rhyme Which Is How You Know They’re For Kids Even Though The Movies Are Inappropriate For Kids But That’s What Makes It So Ironic. It originally appeared on another site about a year ago and is reposted here in response to some interest I received about it following the posting of the second installment of this series, There Will Be Blood, a few months back. Since I haven’t written a new review in a while, while focusing my attention on the Tournament of Sports Movie Champions, I figured this would be a good time to recycle this one to get the series caught up here.

Why do I mention this? First, to squelch any potential misconceptions about how often to expect this sort of thing. I try to just resort to this gimmick once or twice a year, so this is probably the only time there will be two installments posted so close together for a while. And second, to note why it is so much shorter than the more developed second installment. With that said, here, in its original format, is Episode I: The Departed.


A very childish poem about a very grown-up movie:

Come back with me now, in your mind as we go
to the city of Boston – set ‘some time ago’.
Where the bad guys are good guys and good guys are bad,
and the last meal you eat may be the last meal you had …

See, Frankie Costello’s an Irish goodfellow
who’s got the whole world at his feet.
And Sully’s a cop with his eyes on the top,
but like Billy, is new on the beat.

Now follow me here, as it may get unclear,
‘cause the facts aren’t all that they seem.
Just as soon as you get it, they’ve all pirouetted,
and no one knows who’s on what team.

See Sully and Billy are opposites, really
and Frankie is hedging his bets.
And though Billy’s a guy who comes off kind of shy,
he can give just as good as he gets.

Then there’s Dignam and Queenan, both caught in between in
a feud ‘tween the cops and the feds.
That’s got Ellerby furious, totally sure he is,
needing to get in their heads.

‘Cause while Frank and his thugs are out running the drugs,
Ellerby is stuck chasing his tail.
Trying to flush out the spies, in policeman’s disguise
who are keeping old Frank out of jail.

Either way, who can say,
which side any will play.
Or on dying, be crying
out: “Et tu Brute?”

(Well, me, cause I’ve seen it), but you’ll have to screen it,
it’s too much to detail in rhyme.
But before I end too fast, I will note a few cast
and crew notes worth some of your time.

The Departed’s a film that is chock full of stars,
who all seem to think acting means dropping your R’s.
As in ‘Mahty, this charactah’s wicked bizah!’
‘I know Jack, just go back and read from the staht.”

Jack, of course Nicholson, leads the marquee,
with Leo and Matt rounding out the big three.
And with Martin and Alec and Vera and Mark,
added on, the whole payroll could buy Central Park.

But for all that they’ve done, this cast hasn’t got lazy
like Leo, who’ll still do whatever Martin Scor-says-y.
Or Matt who went on to make films back to back,
with DeNiro, Pacino and Bernie the Mac!

So treasure this pleasure whenever you can,
it’s fun for everyone (well, at least every man)
In fact, I should backtrack, and warn that it’s true,
this film’s not for kiddies, unlike this review.

But don’t be sad when your dad says “this ain’t for you”,
just be glad Marty’s working on The Departed 2.
And know that by then you’ll be able to see
this gun-blasting, swear-casting, blood jamboree.

(Or if not, you can hope for The Departed 3).

8 out of 10 Jackasses
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