There Will Be Blood review by Rosie

There Will Be Blood

Before it inevitably sweeps for Best Actor, Best Director, and Best Picture at the upcoming TVGuide Channel Academy Awards Ceremony and Clip Show, I would like to offer my own personal salute to the magnificently crafted epic There Will Be Blood here, by enshrining it now as a rare installment of the prestigious but not-very-ongoing or particularly-well named series: Movie Reviews of Movies For Grown Ups But That Are Written For Kids And That Rhyme Which Is How You Know They’re For Kids Even Though The Movies Are Inappropriate For Kids But That’s What Makes It So Ironic. And so I shall…

Welcome back, little kiddies, and how have you been?
Goodness me, I’m excited to see you again!
I know, it’s been so long, just look how you’ve grown!
I’d have brought the big boy chairs, if only I’d known!

But for now the ones we have will just have to do,
we’ve got so much time left here, and little to do.
I mean, strike that – reverse it, like ol’ Willy would –
and put on your hear-clear ears, to listen up good.

Are you ready? Ok then, well here’s why we’re here:
there’s a new teacher’s favorite for film of the year!
(Though just what year exactly, I’m still not quite clear,
since it opened some last year but just came out here.)

But we’ll figure that later, for now just unwind,
relax, and imagine this scene in your mind …

At the dusty brown crest, of where Nowhere meets West,
back when no laws or walls could contain you.
On a rope, in a well, lowered halfway to Hell,
is where first we meet young Daniel Plainview.

Dan’s a man of his name – see’s the world just the same,
as you might expect Plainviews to see it.
Everything’s black and white: You are wrong and he’s right.
And you’d be wise to just let that be it.

He’s an oil man whose true art, is winning the rube heart,
by playing who they want to see.
Be it father, or brother, or some silly other –
whatever they need him to be.

‘Til they all feel assured, he’s a man of his word
and sell good ‘ol Pa Plainview their land.
Then it’s “Beat it, hillbilly, I’ll drill these hills silly!
Take a hike with your hat in your hand.”

And go drill hills he did, with the help of his kid,
whom he’d groomed to keep on their proud name.
Until fate stepped in one day, disguised as Paul Sunday,
To send ol’ Plan A up in flames.

You see …

Paul was a prodigal
son with a pot o’ gold
hidden away back at home

And he knew he could sell it
to Daniel to well it
for just enough money to roam.

So they shook on it there,
and then Paul told him where
he could find a whole ocean of crude.

Then they both parted ways,
but on both their last days,
it’s the one day they prob’ly both rued.

The problem was …

For Paul the deal sealed,
in its fate, a small field,
and the family he knew that lived off it.

Soon the house he once played in,
where siblings still laid in,
would be lost for his tiny profit.

And for Daniel it meant
thirty years to be spent
locking horns with Paul’s pesky twin brother.

Whose God song-and-dance
had the town in a trance,
that the Lord spoke through him and no other.

They were God versus Money,
like Dempsey v. Tunney:
a heavyweight battle of wills.

Fix the hole in your sole,
or the whole of your soul,
was the town’s choice between the two ills.

Hey, hey!
Don’t give it away!

Calm down, little fusspots, don’t worry your heads.
And stop yelling out! Did you all take your meds?
Well, I hope so or else we might never get through.
If one Ritalin’s not helping, tell mom you need two.

And for your information, I’ll have you all know,
this all unfolds, still, with two hours to go.
The plot spans forty years! And weaves, interconnected,
like ten different sub-plots! (apology accepted)

But if you’re so concerned, I’ll skip quick through the rest,
some stuff happens that’s bad, other stuff’s for the best.
In the end, some stuff’s left to be figured by you.
That’s a wrap, cut and print, now some thoughts on the crew.

The crew!

Paul Thomas Anderson,
seems like a grand person,
but for his hard to rhyme name.

But that not withstanding,
his writing’s outstanding,
he’s here at the top of his game.

Then there’s Daniel Day-Lewis,
the one actor who is
a shoo-in this year for Best Actor.

He’s the bright-eyedish rogue,
with a slight Irish brogue
who becomes (not just ‘plays’) his char-acter.

And if any awards show,
has gall enough to go
ahead and ignore the performance

Of young Paulie Dano,
we all should just say “No!”
and go throw bricks through random storefronts.

Are you done yet? We’re tired, we get it, it’s great …
(Spoiled brats … only here ‘cause your dads pulled out late…)
What was that, Mr. Rose?
I said, ‘Your right, it’s late.’

So, in closing, the lesson I want you to know
is There Will Be Blood, is a beautiful show.
A masterful, sweeping, disturbing, and raw,
tale of human potential, resilience and flaw.

Not to mention a wonderfully deep and complex,
Two hour break from you pain-in-the-necks.
Oh that’s right, did I mention, you’re too young to see,
this R-rated epic? How silly of me.

Well you are, so I guess, never mind all I said.
Suck your thumbs, pee your pants, wait for Shrek 4, instead.
And until then, remember, what’s our golden rule?

Never tell mom and dad what we heard here at school!

10 out of 10 Jackasses
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